Animal Life Coach

Jan 3, 2020

Like Robert Downey Jr., contestants channel their inner Dr. Dolittle when they guess how to advise animals facing various dilemmas.

Heard on Luke James: Not 'Chi' About Singing.

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OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Our next few contestants will pretend to be animal psychologists. Their first mission - get Garfield to quit lasagna. First up, Damian Benskin. You work at an entertainment law firm, and your first game is about animal psychology. If you were to adopt the lifestyle of one animal, what animal would it be?

DAMIAN BENSKIN: I'd say an owl because I'm already pretty close. And if I was an owl, I'd have an excuse for it. Because if you're up at 3 or 4 a.m. as an owl, you can just be like, it's not an unhealthy lifestyle. It's what I do.

EISENBERG: OK. Damian, when you ring in, we'll hear this.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Your opponent is Mickey Lambert. You're a grant writer for a Jewish social justice nonprofit, and you're a huge Mets fan.

MICKEY LAMBERT: That is correct.

EISENBERG: Which means that you like to be hard on yourself.

(LAUGHTER)

LAMBERT: I enjoy - my hobbies include masochism...

EISENBERG: (Laughter).

LAMBERT: ...Losing, disappointments.

EISENBERG: Very good.

LAMBERT: Yeah.

EISENBERG: Yeah. We share that. So - so much so that for your birthday, Mr. Met, the mascot showed up at your party. How'd that go?

LAMBERT: He did. What was supposed to happen was that, you know, I would be at the party and he'd knock on the door, and I'd answer the door and, whoa, Mr. Met.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

LAMBERT: Instead, I was late because of work, and so I knocked on the door, and he opened it, which was way more surreal.

(LAUGHTER)

LAMBERT: Yeah. It was pretty great, though.

EISENBERG: That's amazing. All right. Mickey, when you ring in, we'll hear this.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Remember, Damian and Mickey, whoever has more points after two games will go on to our final round. So in this game, we ask what if Dr. Dolittle had a doctorate in psychology? We're going to find out in this guessing game called Animal Life Coach. In this game, Jonathan and I will give you a dilemma an animal might face and two possible pieces of advice you might give. You're going to ring in and choose the correct advice to earn a point. But be careful, because if you steer the animal wrong, your opponent will automatically get the point. Here we go.

A tiger, a lion, a jaguar and a leopard live together in a ethically polyamorous relationship. They're thinking of having babies. What do you tell them? A, get to work, any two of you can produce offspring; or, B, it's impossible for you to breed but consider adoption.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Mickey.

LAMBERT: A.

EISENBERG: That is right. Get to work.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Any two of you can produce offspring. Yeah, hybrid offspring have names like liger, tigon, and jaglion (ph).

JONATHAN COULTON: Jaglion. Are there jagligers (ph) as well?

EISENBERG: Jagligers? There must be.

COULTON: Jagligions (ph).

EISENBERG: Yeah. The winter dance is coming up and your blue whale client is hoping to get her first kiss. Why might she be self-conscious? A, she's no tongue, all gums; B, she has a giant 2-ton tongue.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Mickey.

LAMBERT: B.

EISENBERG: She has a giant 2-ton tongue? That's...

LAMBERT: You said it...

EISENBERG: ...Correct.

LAMBERT: ...Better than I ever could.

EISENBERG: Yeah. That's right. A blue whale's tongue can weigh as much as an elephant.

LAMBERT: Dang.

EISENBERG: I know.

COULTON: That's gross.

EISENBERG: I know. Clap for that tongue.

(LAUGHTER)

LAMBERT: I'm sure people have before.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: A lot of happy people. Lot of happy whales.

COULTON: Your bat client has been in a casual relationship with another bat, but he's finally ready to invite him over for dinner. What should he prepare based on what a bat usually eats in one night? A, about 70 insects; or, B, about 7,000 insects?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Mickey.

LAMBERT: B.

COULTON: B - 7,000 insects. That's correct.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: A frog comes to you with body image issues. You tell her, your eyes aren't just beautiful, they're useful. Other than seeing, what else can a frog's eyes help it do? A, hear; B, swallow food.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Damian.

BENSKIN: I'm going to say A, hear.

EISENBERG: I'm sorry, that is incorrect.

BENSKIN: Oh (laughter).

EISENBERG: It's B...

BENSKIN: I was so close to saying...

EISENBERG: I know. I heard you go B, B, B, and then choose A. But, yeah, it's - I know, 'cause it's hard to believe that a frog's eyeballs sink down into its mouth to push food down its throat.

LAMBERT: Wow.

EISENBERG: I know.

COULTON: Again, gross. Animals are disgusting.

EISENBERG: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: It's a nightmare. This is your last clue. A hardworking giraffe is stressed about having four stomachs to feed. How big is his family? A, four giraffes total; B, he has no family, he's just feeding himself.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Mickey.

LAMBERT: B.

EISENBERG: B, he has no family, he's just feeding himself is correct. Yeah. Giraffes have four stomach chambers.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Great game. Mickey is in the lead.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

EISENBERG: Coming up, Luke James returns. In his new song, "Go Girl," Luke sings about the thing every woman yearns to hear - got Uber Eats on the way.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I'm Ophira Eisenberg, and this is ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.