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Panel Questions


BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Alison Leiby, Maz Jobrani and Tom Bodett. And here again is your host, a man feeling extreme nostalgia for pants, Peter Sagal.



Thanks, Bill. In just a minute, Bill takes a big dose of rhyme-droxychloroquine (ph) in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Maz, Anderson Cooper, the singer P!nk and your friend Ron (ph) are all going through the same experience this week. What is it?

MAZ JOBRANI: Does it have anything to do with the coronavirus?

SAGAL: A little bit because we're all stuck inside, and we can't go anywhere, so they had to do this.

JOBRANI: Oh, they had to do this. They're stuck inside, and - oh, how about cleaning?

SAGAL: No. You think Anderson Cooper cleans? No.

KURTIS: He licks himself clean.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: I'll give you a hint.


SAGAL: So, me, a little off the top, please.

JOBRANI: So what - oh, cutting hair - cutting hair.

SAGAL: Yes...


SAGAL: ...Giving themselves haircuts.


SAGAL: Salons are open in the dumb states, but they're closed everywhere else, so people are left to cut their own hair, which is not something any of us should be doing. If you've seen examples online of people baking their own bread, imagine something that messed up, but it's a human head.


JOBRANI: This lockdown is where bald people have been able to excel.

SAGAL: This is true, man. We are taking over the world.

JOBRANI: I don't need a haircut. I don't need a shower.

SAGAL: What?


TOM BODETT: My hair is digressing to 1985. It's going to be a mullet in about three weeks - seriously.

JOBRANI: I cut my kid's hair. I actually - my wife had me cut my son's hair. And it was a little daunting, but thank God for YouTube. And thank God for a gullible kid who believes you know what you're doing, so...

SAGAL: You can Google, like, how to cut hair on YouTube, and it will tell you.

BODETT: That's how I learned. And I also - I learned start with the back because you're going to make all your big mistakes at the beginning.


SAGAL: Right.

BODETT: And he has - he - it's grown out now, but three or four weeks ago, if he'd have found a way to look at the back of his head, I would have been toast around here.

JOBRANI: Yeah, the back of his head is very much Picasso Cubist style, you know?


LEIBY: I haven't had to cut my - I mean, I should cut my hair, but I haven't been brushing it because there's no reason. And I tried the other day, and it sounded like someone was grooming a golden retriever. It was just so loud and so bad.


LEIBY: It had become just two long pieces.

SAGAL: Did you find yourself as you were doing it whining like a dog - like, (imitating dog)?


LEIBY: Yeah, I had to I - well, I had to put myself on a leash in the bathtub.


SAGAL: Alison, a popular airline in Europe is now requiring passengers to adopt what new safety precaution when they need to use the restroom?

LEIBY: I want to say wearing gloves because I want to wear gloves in every airline bathroom that I've ever used, so I want to say wearing gloves.

SAGAL: No. Well, it does have something to do with a hand.

LEIBY: Oh, no (laughter).

SAGAL: I guess the - you have to do what if you want to use the bathroom during your...

LEIBY: Oh, you have to raise your hand.

SAGAL: You have to raise your hand.


SAGAL: That's exactly right.


SAGAL: Ryanair is Europe's equivalent to Spirit Airlines here - which, if you're unfamiliar with it, it's a gas station bathroom with wings. So, in an effort to avoid standing in line in the aisle, you know, and mixing too close, if you're a Ryanair passenger, you now need to raise your hand to get permission from the flight attendants to use the restroom. It's elementary school in the sky.

BODETT: And what - you know, what if you have to go, like, two or three times? Like, I've heard that there's, like, people who do that.



BODETT: Older men.

SAGAL: Older men.

BODETT: And...

SAGAL: Who aren't as...

BODETT: And, like, the third time, she says, no, no, Mr. Bodett. You don't have to go to the restroom.

JOBRANI: (Laughter).

BODETT: I've had enough of your horseplay and tomfoolery.

LEIBY: Do you put...

BODETT: And then you truly are back in the second grade.

LEIBY: Do you put up one hand and then also, like, maybe two hands depending on what's happening?

SAGAL: Depending - depending. Yes...

JOBRANI: Ah, that's...

SAGAL: ...So they can do triage.

JOBRANI: But it is Europe, so they have great accents. So they can - you know, it could be, (imitating British accent) excuse me. Excuse me, miss. I have to go wee. Or (imitating Italian accent) 'Scuzi (ph), I got to go pee-pee. Hey, (unintelligible) - I got to go pee-pee.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: (Imitating Italian accent) Well, about time. I don't - Tom Bodett got to go three times. Why he go three? I get only go one time.


SAGAL: Maz, adding to her shapewear line, Kim Kardashian is now selling shapewear for your what?

JOBRANI: Is it an animal?

SAGAL: For your falcon.

BODETT: (Laughter).


JOBRANI: Shapewear for your - it's a part of your body?

SAGAL: Oh, yes.

JOBRANI: Is it gloves?

SAGAL: It's kind of for the moment.

JOBRANI: Shorts. Shorts.

SAGAL: No, not shorts.

JOBRANI: Oh, the masks, the masks. Come on.

SAGAL: The masks.


KURTIS: (Laughter).


SAGAL: It's shapewear for your face, Maz, from Kim Kardashian. Now you can get that perfect hourglass head with Kim Kardashian's new shapewear face masks. The masks come in a variety of neutral skin tones, so your face looks smooth and mouthless - a perfect way to show off your face cleavage.

JOBRANI: (Laughter).

BODETT: Well, they had one like a harness - these little turkey necks, you know?

SAGAL: Exactly - it's made from the same...

JOBRANI: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...Material as her leggings and waist trainers, which I guess is what we call girdles now. The masks do exactly what they're supposed to do. They squish your face all together, and boom-va-va-voom (ph) - chin.

LEIBY: (Laughter).

BODETT: You look like you're going to rob a liquor store. I mean, that's, like - that's pantyhose over your head, right?

SAGAL: I guess so.


JOBRANI: I want to do a tie that turns into a mask so you can be...

SAGAL: Just pull up the tie and wrap it around your face?

LEIBY: What are the women supposed to do?

JOBRANI: Women could - you know, we're going to take your - the bra becomes a mask. I don't...

LEIBY: Yeah, like I'm wearing a bra anymore.

(SOUNDBITE OF THE BUDOS BAND'S "EPHRA") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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