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Who's Bill This Time

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Stay 6 feet from my buddy, but snuggle right up next to my heart. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host from inside the same pair of pajamas he's had on for two weeks, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. And thanks as well to the very appreciative audience at the 2008 Kennedy Center Honors applauding for Dolly Parton. Many of you told us that our sound effects last week made us sound cheap, so we asked our producer Mike to class it up a bit.

(SOUNDBITE OF BLEATING GOAT SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: That was remarkable.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So I'm coming to you today from a closet in my house near Chicago, where we store stuff from our wedding. And I never thought I'd be able to wear this dress again.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: (Laughter).

(SOUNDBITE OF HORN SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Later today...

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: We'll be talking to Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon, who told the story of their odd courtship in the movie "The Big Sick." They're also stuck at home, and like so many others, have tragically succumbed to the urge to create a podcast. But first, it's your turn to talk to us. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ERIC FLEEGLER: Hi. This is Eric Fleegler from Needham, Mass.

SAGAL: I know Needham really well.

MO ROCCA: They're so needy in Needham.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's why they call it that.

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: What do you do there in Needham, Eric?

FLEEGLER: I'm a pediatric emergency physician at Boston Children's Hospital.

SAGAL: What are you doing talking to us? Shouldn't you be working?

FLEEGLER: I was working all last night and many nights before that.

SAGAL: All right.

KURTIS: Oh, my goodness.

SAGAL: Well, we'll - I'm only sorry that you're taking your precious free time and wasting it with us. But thank you for what you do, and thanks for calling. Let me introduce you to our panel this week, Eric. First up, a comedian who you can see new clips of on his YouTube channel, at Alonzo Bodden. It's Alonzo Bodden.

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ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, Eric. And again, thanks for the work you do, man. That's amazing.

SAGAL: Next, a woman who's spending all her free time staring at cat videos. It's Roxanne Roberts.

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ROBERTS: Yay. Hi, Eric. I'm also in my closet.

FLEEGLER: Good place to be.

SAGAL: It is. It's safe, anyway. And a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the author of "Mobituaries: Great Lives Worth Reliving," it's Mo Rocca.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

ROCCA: Hi, Eric. Yeah, I'm back in the closet. And ugh (ph)...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I didn't expect this to happen.

SAGAL: Eric, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show that you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to play?

FLEEGLER: I am.

SAGAL: Great. Let's do it. Here's your first quote.

KURTIS: Did you know I was No. 1 on Facebook? I just found out. I'm No. 1 on Facebook.

SAGAL: That was the president on Wednesday during a press conference in which he said that something was going to last till April 30 at the earliest. What?

FLEEGLER: I'm going to guess that's the coronavirus.

SAGAL: Yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Or the quarantine because of it. I assume the coronavirus will live forever. We are all going to be stuck here for a while. It's like your family coming to visit for a weekend and staying for a month, but your family is you. This is "The Lord Of The Rings" of national calamities. You think it's over, and it just keeps on going.

BODDEN: Well, I think the thing to do is stop listening to those press conferences because time actually slows down when he talks.

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

BODDEN: You're just - that's the first trick. Stop listening to him.

ROBERTS: But he's No. 1 on Facebook, Alonzo.

BODDEN: You know...

ROBERTS: How did he...

BODDEN: Here's the thing about him being No. 1 on Facebook.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: It's going to do to Facebook what happened to MySpace. Remember who was No. 1...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...On MySpace?

ROCCA: Who was No. 1 on MySpace?

BODDEN: Exactly.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BODDEN: Exactly.

SAGAL: One hero has emerged in all of this of late, and that is Andrew Cuomo, governor of New York. Perhaps because of his calm leadership, but probably just because there are no more sports to watch, Andrew Cuomo's daily press briefings have become must-see TV. He's like an older, meaner version of CNN's Chris Cuomo because that's exactly what he is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's weird because nobody even liked him a month ago. It must be the epidemic. In real life, he's a four, but with corona goggles, he's a nine.

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

ROCCA: It's sweet, but can we talk about the nipple rings?

SAGAL: Yes, Mo. We can talk about the nipple rings because that was a real story in the news this week. People are obsessed with that question - does Andrew Cuomo have nipple rings? Because if you look at his chest, there is something under his shirt. People have become amateur photo analysts trying to figure out, is that a ring? Is that just his nipple? If it is, can we just curl up, suckle it and finally fall asleep feeling safe?

ROCCA: Why can't we talk about Chris Cuomo's nipple rings?

BODDEN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: I feel...

(CROSSTALK)

SAGAL: ...Chris Cuomo.

ROBERTS: Wait. Wait. Now, OK. All right. Is it conceivable it's just a Cuomo family nipple trait?

ROCCA: Oh.

ROBERTS: You know...

BODDEN: I am OK with him having a nipple ring as long as he got it before the virus when it was still safe. I don't want to think that I'm quarantined, and he's hanging out at a piercing shop...

ROCCA: That's so...

BODDEN: ...Getting nipple rings...

ROCCA: ...So unsanitary.

BODDEN: ...All right? Enough...

ROBERTS: Wait...

BODDEN: ...With the haves and the have-nots.

ROCCA: But...

BODDEN: If you can get nipple rings, I can go out.

ROCCA: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Meanwhile, Donald Trump is, of course, jealous of the attention that Cuomo is getting, so he announced that he, the president, has way more nipples than Andrew Cuomo.

BODDEN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: All right, Eric. Your next quote is from the nation's new favorite celebrity, a man named Joe Exotic.

KURTIS: I'm outspoken, good-looking, love to party and have fun.

SAGAL: Mr. Exotic is the star of the hot show that's making quarantine fun for millions. What's the show?

FLEEGLER: That would be the "Tiger King"

SAGAL: The "Tiger King"...

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SAGAL: You're right. Very good, Eric. The documentary series on Netflix is a huge hit right now, probably because it's showcasing the kind of characters that remind you you really don't want to be around people. So have you guys seen it - this remarkable show?

BODDEN: I'm all in on "Tiger King."

ROBERTS: OK.

BODDEN: I...

ROBERTS: Alonzo, you have to explain this to me because what I have read is that a lot of very dumb people are throwing themselves at these wild animals and getting various body parts maimed and things like that. And it's just full of people who are insane.

ROCCA: It's even better than that. Alonzo, take it away.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: OK, Roxanne. So you turn on the TV, and you see a guy with a blond mullet and a gun strapped to his thigh with a husband who has three teeth, a bunch of tigers that live in the backyard, an assistant with no legs, another assistant with only one arm. And he's obsessed with killing a woman who wants to save tigers. Now, that's the first four minutes.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Then it gets crazy. Then it starts...

ROCCA: (Laughter).

BODDEN: You can't not watch this show - and I will say this. I will say this, you know. Black people, people of color have been complaining about not being represented fairly on television and in film. We are so glad there are no black people in the "Tiger King."

ROCCA: (Laughter).

BODDEN: You have no idea. We're, like, please don't let us be involved. And we're not.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I have - I've got to ask here. Eric answered that pretty quickly. Does a pediatric surgeon who's been working so many hours straight - did you actually have a chance to watch this?

FLEEGLER: So it's actually all the talk in the emergency department right now.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

FLEEGLER: It's important to have some laughter along with the medicine.

SAGAL: I can see that.

ROCCA: I've only...

BODDEN: Well...

ROCCA: I've only seen the first episode, Alonzo. Does everybody end up marrying off in the end? I mean, is it...

BODDEN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It's a classical comedy structure.

BODDEN: We haven't even touched on the man with three wives.

SAGAL: Right.

BODDEN: You see, that's the...

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

BODDEN: That's the thing about the "Tiger King." No matter what you talk about, there's another level you haven't touched yet (laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Eric, your last quote is an actual email out of office reply.

KURTIS: Many thanks for your email. The office for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex has now closed.

SAGAL: That office is closed, and the former Duke and Duchess of Sussex seemed to complete their flight from the British royal family by moving where this week?

FLEEGLER: I believe they've moved to the United States - California, maybe?

SAGAL: They have. Close enough - they've moved to LA.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good, Eric. It was just a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Harry and Meghan, announced that they were leaving the royal family and moving to Canada. In other words, they picked exactly the worst time in history to move out of a big castle surrounded by a moat. Everybody started counting down to the inevitable move to LA. I mean, come on. Of course, she's going to go back to work as an actress. And he would love to experience a tan for the first time in his life.

ROCCA: Ugh, the tiger prince and princess. I mean...

BODDEN: (Laughter).

ROCCA: That's what this reality show is going to be. I mean, this is a disaster.

SAGAL: Well, you...

BODDEN: I give it two weeks before he's hanging out with Kanye.

SAGAL: I mean, I think we know why they moved to America now. They wanted that $1,200 check.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Do we know where in LA they're moving to?

SAGAL: I...

BODDEN: Do we know what part of...

SAGAL: I don't know. I don't know where they've rented or purchased a home. Do you know, Mo?

ROCCA: I don't know. I was thinking I would have expected them to move to Anaheim. They've got that castle there.

SAGAL: That's true, yes - very familiar to them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Eric do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Eric wins Mo's ventilator by getting all three right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Eric. Thanks for playing. And though we are rarely sincere around here, we sincerely thank you for the work you're doing. We appreciate it.

FLEEGLER: Thank you all very much.

SAGAL: Take care, Eric.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "AMERICA")

NEIL DIAMOND: (Singing) Everywhere around the world, they're coming to America. Every time that flag's unfurled, they're coming to America. Got a dream to take them there, they're... ** Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.


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